Redwall Christmas
by The Spooky Chihuahua
Summary: How Redwallers have X-mas! Well, how I think they do. But that doesn't really matter, does it? JUST READ IT!
1. Chapter 1

Feliz Navidad!  
  
I hope you enjoy your holidays.. **Continues ranting like this** Okay. Yes, I do know that there is no Christmas in Redwall. Yes, I do know that there is no Santa in Redwall. But do I care? Nope.  
  
  
  
  
  
Disclaimer that nobody bothers to read: no, I don't own redwall.. YET.  
  
  
  
  
  
Redwall Christmas  
  
  
  
  
  
Matthias and John Churchmouse were standing around, and drinking beer.  
  
"So, what did you get Cornflower for Christmas? I got Mrs. Churchmouse (Hey, It never does say her name.does it?) some diamonds and-"  
  
"Oh my God, I forgot all about Cornflower's gift!" interrupted Matthias.  
  
"Oh well. You can make it up to her by.um. JUST GO GET THE STUPID GIFT!!" yelled John.  
  
"Well DUH! What do you think I'm doing?" asked Matthias. He ran off to go find Cornflower some random gift.  
  
~ Meanwhile. Father Abbot was playing Santa Claus ~  
  
"Sister, do I have to do this?" asked Father Abbot.  
  
"Yes, Father. Remember what happened last year when you didn't play Santa? The Dibbuns went crazy. And we don't want to deal with that again, do we?" replied the poor Sister. "Okay," HE muttered darkly. Then he put on a Santa imitation "Hello little dibbun! What would YOU like for Christmas?"  
  
"Are you Santa Claus? Cuz I wan' two balls of gluuuueeeee, TO BE MAH FRIENDS! And Bell flloooooossssssss, anna chair mada cheese, anna table mada cheese, anna doom hamster, anna Zim pig, anna 'nother ball glue, anna doom pig, anna doom gerbil, anna doom monkey, anna pair a doom pjs, anna empty can of coke, anna a envelope. Are you Santa Claus? Cuz if you are..."  
  
"Oh no." mumbled the poor, doomed Abbot, while the dibbun went ranting on.  
  
  
  
~ Back to poor Matthias ~  
  
"Oh yeah! I found the gift for Cornflower!" he yelled while he paid for it. He was in the Mossy Mall in the middle of Mossflower.  
  
"Hi, Matthias," said Tess. She had just walked out from a store, and what do ya know, she met Matthias there." Do you know what to get Mattimeo? I don't I mean I looked everywhere and I still couldn't find one-"  
  
"Awwwwww man. I forgot Mati's gift!" yelled Matthias He ran off into some direction, to go into some store to find some gift for Mattimeo.  
  
"Well, he sure helped a lot." Mumbled Tess. She walked out of the building, hoping to find a Redwall-Mart.  
  
~ Back to Father Abbot ~  
  
"Okay little one. Santa knows what you want. Now let's let the next dibbun in line take a turn." Said Father Abbot. The stupid dibbun had been ranting for hours about what he wanted.  
  
"Uh huh. Okay den." Said the dibbun. He jumped off the abbot's lap and fell somewhere (Hey, you expect ME to know? I don't even know where my math book is.). Then the Father saw-  
  
  
  
  
  
Like it?  
  
Oh well. If you didn't, review anyway. I'll give you a CD! **Wink, wink** 


	2. Chapter 2

Top Ten Signs There's Something Terribly Wrong At McDonald's  
  
  
  
10. Your order Filet-o-Fish and the cashier makes the sign of the cross  
  
9. Lowest-priced item on the Dollar Menu is 80 bucks  
  
8. Employees are warming buns in their pants  
  
7. Iraq helped them prepare their 12,000-page nutritional information report  
  
6. Everything is "McXpired"  
  
5. One of your "French fries" is wearing a wedding ring  
  
4. Hans Blix is snooping around the back with a Geiger counter  
  
3. Seconds after you order the McNuggets, you hear frantic squawking from the kitchen  
  
2. A new hamburger is introduced called "The McWidowmaker with Cheese"  
  
Happy Meal toy: cigarettes  
  
  
  
  
  
Yes, yes, I know that has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. It's from Letterman. Any way.I'm pretty sure the reason you looked at this is to read my fanfic, right? RIGHT? So I'm gonna write and quit rambling...  
  
PS: THANK YOU Cornflower Fieldmouse! You saved my sanity! Oh yeah, I'll give you a Blink 182 CD **winks** I'll tell Santa to bring it to you **winks**  
  
  
  
Matthias was celebrating about the fact that he found a good present for Mattimeo! "Oh yeah! Who's numba 1?" he shouted.  
  
"Hi, Matthias." Said Martin. He was throwing random items into his cart.  
  
"Wha..? But.you're dead!" exclaimed Matthias.  
  
"Yeah, I know. But God is forcing us to give gifts to everybody," His eyes flared, and then turned back to normal." It's kinda stupid, really, but I'm trying to win the mystery prize."  
  
"How do you win that?"  
  
"I don't know. But I'm gonna guess that if you give out a lot of gifts to everyone you win it." Replied Martin. "Well, bye!" and he walked out of the mall with the shopping cart.  
  
"Hey! You have to pay for that!" yelled a cashier. Martin turned his head around and started running away.  
  
"Hello Matthias." Said Methuselah. (Me: **picks up Redwall book** Oh, so that's how you spell it)  
  
"WHY AM I SEEING DEAD PEOPLE? WHY?!?!" Matthias yelled. He ran out of the mall with his items.  
  
"But I was gonna give you a candy cane." mumbled Methuselah.  
  
~ YAY! Father Abbot! ~  
  
The mysterious dibbun that I told you was a mystery was.Dwopple the third! (Me: How can you have a third? Where was the second? Oh well.)  
  
"AHHHHHHH!!!!!" yelled the Santa impersonator. "DWOPPLED THE THIRD!"  
  
"Yup. It be me. Now let me tell you what I want. " He said while he unrolled a loooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggg piece of parchment.  
  
"Oh God, help me." mumble the Abbot.  
  
~ Somebody new! I think.**shrugs shoulders** ~  
  
Everybody at the Dark gates was having a meeting.  
  
"Did you see the way he looked at me?" exclaimed Methuselah.  
  
"Yeah! And he said I was dead!" yelled Martin.  
  
"And then he said I'm stupid!" pouted Gonff.  
  
"Gonff, you weren't even there." Said Martin.  
  
"Oh yeah...whatever." replied the mouse thief.  
  
"Who are you talking about?" yelled a random dead guy.  
  
"MATTHIAS!" the three yelled.  
  
"Oh."  
  
~ Back to.Matthias! ~  
  
"I got allllllllllll my gifts!" he yelled! He jumped on to a pile of snow, which wasn't there, but was really a pile of dirt.  
  
"Matthias!" said Cornflower. She walked up to the pile of dirt.  
  
"Oh no, you've got that mad glint in your eye. What now, Cornflower?"  
  
"Guess what?" She unrolled a list. "You've got Christmas shopping to do!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He yelled. He walked off, hopefully in the direction of Mossy Mall.  
  
  
  
  
  
Like it? Hate it? If you hate it, just go away. I don't like people who hate my stuff.  
  
  
  
REVIEW AND EARN FREE CASH! **Winks**  
  
Review Box: Has it come to bribing stuff?  
  
Me: Yes.**sniffs** All that wasted money.  
  
Random Reviewer: What wasted money? **throws money in air** Uh huh!  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: No, you won't get free money. I don't own McDonalds either. I mean. Who would want to? :/ 


	3. Chapter 3

Hullo! Guess what? I won't be ranting at the beginning this time! YAY!  
  
  
  
  
  
Matthias was finally done Christmas shopping, and the Abbot was done with the dibbuns.  
  
  
  
"Merry Christmas, every beast! Today we will have our annual Holiday Feast, to celebrate the spirit of Christmas, as we all come together (WoW, I came up with that?) to share love and joy. Now if you'll please take your seats, the feast will begin." Preached the abbot. Every Beast pulled their chairs out, sat in them, and pushed themselves in. Then food *magically* (Go Harry Potter!) appeared on the table. They dug in, and ate 'till they threw up (nasty).  
  
All of them went to the Big Christmas Tree, which had many presents under it. They all ran toward it and looked frantically for their own.  
  
"Hey, look! I got a TV!"  
  
"I got a GBA!"  
  
"I got coal!"  
  
" I got fake vomit!"  
  
And they said stuff like that.  
  
"Hey Dad!" yelled Mattimeo. Matthias walked over to his son. " I love this pig you got me!" he exclaimed. He sat the pig on the ground and it ran around, knocking people over.  
  
"I'm so happy that you like it, son. I love you."  
  
"I love you too, dad." He said, not really meaning it, being more focused on his run-a-way pig than anything else.  
  
Well, everybody had opened all his or her presents, except Matthias. "Hey, where's my presents?"  
  
"Don't worry, dear. You'll probably find them tomorrow." Said Cornflower. She just walked to the gatehouse. Matthias loyally followed her.  
  
Matthias was peacefully sleeping (Yeah, right) when he had a weird dream.  
  
"Matthias! You got no gifts because you told people they were dead! That is not the warrior's way, idiot!" yelled the cloaked mouse.  
  
"Hey!" said Matthias. He chased after the figure. "Who are you?" he asked.  
  
"I am.MARTIN!!!!!! Instead of good gifts though, you're gonna get Brittany Spears CDs!" Martin exclaimed. The he just disappeared.  
  
  
  
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! THAT IS SO NOT FAIR!" pouted Matthias  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The End.  
  
I hope you enjoyed it. Yes, I mean it this team. I think. Ask the penguins. They're the ones who stole my sanity.  
  
Review, please? That's all I want for Christmas, to get 20 reviews..  
  
Well, thank you for reading and I hope you don't get Brittany Spears CDs.  
  
Top Ten Signs Santa Hates You  
  
10. Your stocking is ticking  
  
9. Every kid gets a candy cane, you get a ball of rusty barbed wire  
  
8. He brings you a new car -- right through the living room wall  
  
7. His expression doesn't seem to be "jolly" so much as "seething and vengeful"  
  
6. FBI bursts into your house saying, "We got a tip from Santa Claus you're hiding Mullah Omar"  
  
5. You're being stalked by an elf hitman  
  
4. You spend ten minutes telling him what you want -- he says, "Oh, I'm sorry, were you talking to me?"  
  
3. Only item he leaves: a note reading "Your wife was great"  
  
2. "Gift" he just gave you -- 2 weeks on a Disney cruise with Trent Lott  
  
1. His distinctive laugh: "Ho, ho, go screw yourself"  
  
That was from Letterman. Just had to put in here. 


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